@iGreenMonk

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

You Might Also Like

@realHamOnWry

Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.

@Jandalize

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@birdie_app

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

@HughGoesThere

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

@anylaurie16

Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@portmanteauface

I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”

@AmishPornStar1

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!