Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

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Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.


Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.


I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.


By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails


Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.


Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.


Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.


I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”


Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!