Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.