wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.