@fatherofcomedy

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

@wildethingy

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

@wolfpupy

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

@CantWaitToNap

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

@FuckabillyRex

*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs