wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*