@fatherofcomedy

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

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@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@notmythirdrodeo

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

@SomeChrisTweets

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

@jazz_inmypants

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

@_coryrichardson

date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@trentistweeting

The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”

@david8hughes

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty