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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The sacred texts.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
do what now??
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?