Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

*launders Kohls cash*

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.