Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

We will use anything but the metric system

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.