Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.