Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids