Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]