“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
You Might Also Like
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids