“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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Meow
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.