“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
A roof is a house hat.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him