* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Most fashion shows these days…
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…