Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

any last words?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.