* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
i love modern commerce
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money