* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
multitasking lunch
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless