Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?