Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
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Look Ma, no handle on things
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.