Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

goldfish mafia

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.