Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Yup!
