Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot