Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*