Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.