Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but