Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
You Might Also Like
Very problematic
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
BETRAYAL
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
tinder is all about the long game
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.