Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.