wishing you and yours all the best
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
These aliens are taking forever.