wishing you and yours all the best
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I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)