Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Why is no one talking about this?!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Can’t stop laughing
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.