Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :