Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Not my job 😂

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..