Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
You Might Also Like
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Born to be mild.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again