Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
it must be school picture day
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
This meal prepping shit easy
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.