Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!