Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”