Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.