Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??