Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness