Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Thank you 🥹
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.