Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
You Might Also Like
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Twitter is an abusement park.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.