Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

no

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”