Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
🙀🙀🙀😹
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.