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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Eggs benadryl my favourite
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me