Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

the council will decide your fate

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing