Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair