Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.