Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

technically true but not a great slogan

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

This could be us but you eatin’

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door