Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy