Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

That’s not how days work.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

*pokes sex life with a stick

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

*sewing*

A thread