WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
You Might Also Like
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
reminder
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials