Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

fun fact: nike is short for nichael