Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.