Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.