Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Hilarious if literal: arms race

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

😂

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?