[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I missed you with all my darts
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA