[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
You Might Also Like
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through