Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky