Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

some Old Testament wisdom

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!