Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”