Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.