Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.