Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.


My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night


The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.


If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.


*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.


Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate


My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.


After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.


Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.