Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Erm I’m gonna say no

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.