With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.