With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.