With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
You Might Also Like
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Cinematography is my passion
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
This squirrel eats better than I do
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
By Kate Hatos
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast