With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.