With a text.
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I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*