With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
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“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Unimpressed
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music